THE WALKING DEAD.. Still... My thoughts :)

A post about my thoughts and feelings on the last episode of The Walking Dead.. I loved it.. I've been watching episode 12 of The Walking Dead season 4 over and over again... WOW... Can't get enough of it. Just wow.. Omg, the feels!! The past few episodes have had me bubbling with Rick and Carl being at eachother's throats and that stomach churning moment when I think we all thought Rick had turned... Niagara falls..

So I thought the last few episodes had brought on the waterworks. I knew from the post from Mr Reedus on Twitter that this episode was gonna be a good one.. Read this post:

 "Just watched next weeks episode. AMAZING!!!!!! BETH (so good!!!))"

Then this one:

"It's true! Sunday I eat her!!!. #bethsashimi http://m.mtv.com/news/article.rbml?id=1722994&alt=http%3a%2f%2fm.mtv.com%2fnews%2findex.rbml …" ..... 

Soo with the first tweet I read I was like... You big tease, stop teasing.. The second tweet I paced the kitchen floor wondering what the heck that means!! "I eat her"... WHIT?? First thought.. DARYL'S GONNA FUCKING DIE NOOOOOOO :'( and I was like this for a while...

Then I was okay, because I thought about it again.. Eating someone could mean a bunch of things; becoming a zombie and eating her, being hungry and taking a bite out of her just cause she's there and you're just soooo hungry OR (mind dragging through the gutter) there's some kinky shit going on.. 

 After a while of pacing, thinking, over thinking, not sleeping and tearing my damn hair out (exaggeration, but only a little bit, I still have my hair :D LOL)  Monday arrived and the walking dead came on at 9.. And I was like this....

Casually watching the episode and Beth and Daryl are playing a drinking game, Daryl goes on a strop... OH MY GAWD!! DARYL WHUT YE DOOIIIINNGG??!?!? He's going RAJ and having "fun" showing her how to shoot a crossbow really being a gigantic knob (at this point i'm on the edge of my seat thinking what the hell's that all about?) Then he talks about Hershel.. (I miss Hershel).... NIAGARA FALLS relocated to my livingroom...

 The part that REALLY got me was when Beth gave the smile and said "Burn it"..I think it was the music and the fire that set me off with the teeeeaarrrsss to start with but when they were showing the middle finger to the burning shack THAT did it.. The silhouette, the fire, the song.. Boom!  My tear ducts are broken! To me it was like a coming of age episode for Beth, cause it seems to me she's been the pretty, quiet teenager who was just the babysitter or the pretty bystander who never really played an important part, like in the prison in season 3 and 4 and Maggie was the centre of attention when it came to Hershel's family.. Beth's grown as a character, I think :) from pretty bystander to bad ass fire starter.. Love it!! Love her!!! 

Daryl set me off big time.. YOU DO HAVE FEELINGS!!

I love Mr Reedus's character with a hairy passion.. Thought Daryl was a dick to start with.. Lol.. But the kinda dick you could put up with.. Daryl's been my favourite from the start, the kind of character I wanted to know more about.. When I would spend time watching all of the episodes, I found myself thinking "Daryl, you really need a hug... Or laid.. Not sure which.. You need some love..." And when he FINALLY opened up to someone, I fell in love with the character eeeeven more.. He's not all bad :) He's a sexy, crossbow wielding marshmallow THAT HAS FEELINGS!! 

                                        BEST EPISODE EVER

Not to mention.. All the exploded ovaries out there.. Husbands and boyfriends all over the world should be worried, methinks.. You know, because a man on telly has more of an effect on the ladies than they do.. Ooooooooohhh... Bad luck ;) LOL

I love marshmallows... And I love Daryl... And I love the walking dead..

I wonder what Big Abe's got in store for us though.. GINGER!!

Touchy subject

Life after miscarriage.

In a relationship with a guy for about 6 months, I had not long turned 17 and tragically had a miscarriage. I tried not to think about it to start with and then my brain took over and started the grieving process without me. I wasn't aware of what was happening to my body, as soon as I started bleeding I knew something wasn't right. I woke up in the middle of the night in the most horrific pain I had ever felt, I could hardly walk.. In the morning I found the "little being".. I knew straight away what it was and didn't know what the hell to do. For some reason I apologized. I was shaking holding this little empty shell in the palm of my hand. Not properly formed, tiny. I felt like a monster for throwing the tiny thing in the bin. Then I forgot about it. Didn't want to think about it. But your brain has ways of making you think about things..

I couldn't put my finger on how to feel, what to feel, or if at that moment I even had anything to feel bad for. I was in shock. 

I spoke to my partner a week later, I asked him if he thought that the chaos of that night could have been a miscarriage, he said we shouldn't think about it.

How could I not?

The image of the little half formed being in my hand haunted me for months. I had no one to talk to who understood. No one who wanted to talk about it. I tried as hard as I could to be normal, to sweep the whole matter under the rug. Didn't happen. All that was running through my brain was the word WHY. Why me? Why now? Why my baby?

People started talking behind my back, saying those 3 horrible words that no one who's grieving wants to hear - GET OVER IT.

I couldn't, I wanted answers, I wanted my partner to understand how I felt or even try to make me feel better in some way. It felt like he didn't care. His excuse was "I'm a guy, I don't show my feelings." I was later told by some friends that if I hadn't lost the baby he would have abandoned me or got a house from the council because I was pregnant. Pff. He didn't care. People telling me that there probably wasn't a baby there, and straight away I told them no, there was.. But I couldn't tell them what I saw, the words didn't want to come out because tears took their place.

I tried to go to a councillor to get some support from someone who understood. They asked me to give the little being a name, write a letter and try to paint a picture or draw a picture of what I thought the little being would look like. Everything they asked me to do was torture with a capital T.

I gave it a name, I decided to call him Joshua. Then wrote a letter. I couldn't see the paper because my eyes were so full of tears!! And when I got round to painting a picture, it looked like the Chucky doll. Safe to say, I threw that painting out!!

I couldn't even talk to the councillor about what I saw. I could tell her my symptoms, that was it. I couldn't tell her what I saw because I only cried. Uncontrollably. 

After about six months I felt like I was going mad.. I was still in college at the time, my mind was  distracted for a little while until I got home. As soon as I got home I started to feel ill. My face and hands were tingly and there was always shooting pain in my right arm, pain in my chest and my vision and hearing were all distorted. I thought I was dying. All these symptoms accompanied by horrific nightmares all involving wading through blood and feeling pain. It wasn't nice. I thought I was dying and had no one to talk to at all. I gave up the counselling because I cried and couldn't talk about anything properly and was getting very frustrated with myself. Every night the nightmares would come and I would wake up feeling like I wasn't able to breath or feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I remember thinking to myself. "If you're going to kill me, God, Just do it!"

I asked my partner about having another baby, not to replace the one we lost but to give me the chance to be the mother I didn't get to be. Just to give me the chance to get to full term and take on the responsibility and give a different little being the love I couldn't fully give to the first. He was unsure.. But then he started teasing me with the idea. One minute he would want a baby as much as I did then he wouldn't want one at all. This went on for a few months and I knew he was doing it on purpose.. To keep me unhappy.. So I decided to test him.. To find out for myself if he was messing with me, even though deep down I knew but was too naieve to think he would do that. So I phoned him up and said "You're right, we couldn't handle a baby right now."

The week after.. "LET'S HAVE A BABY!!" He said....

I snapped. Yelled at him to stop torturing me with the idea of a baby, either stick to his word, give me a baby and make me happy like you're supposed to do or keep going the way you are and keep me miserable. Your call. 

He gave in.

3 weeks of trying.

ONE PINK LINE..... TWO PINK LINES!! Yippeeeee!!!

I was as happy as a fat kid with cake. Him? He wanted to get out of my house as quick as possible. 

Things went downhill with the partner. He didn't want to grow up with me, he was more interested in his computer and friends. I broke up with him when I was 14 weeks gone because I hadn't seen or heard from him in weeks. I'd had enough of him sulking when I did speak to him or when he did eventually answer. He made excuses not to come and see me and take care of me like he was supposed to. Didn't hear from him until after my daughter was born. She's one and a half now!

I still think about Joshua, 3 years on and I have never forgotten but since I had Eva a lot of my questions have been answered and I know I'm not the only woman who has ever suffered this. I can think about him now and not be sad because little souls like his go straight to heaven, no sins, no bad things and they're being looked after by the souls we lost and love. I understand now and I know that sometimes - Even if it's not what you want to hear - sometimes it's not meant to be and sometimes tragedies happen for no good reason, sometimes it's just bad timing. I think the big guy in the clouds needed Joshua more than I did. Even though it sucks, even though you might never know what caused the horrible event to happen, it will get better and it will make you stronger and it won't kill you. You might be sad and you might be asking yourself all the questions under the sun but all your questions will be answered as time goes on, but the one thing you have to remember, no matter how hard it is IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT and you're not alone, ever. The little soul loves you with all its heart and you'll meet again one day, but not before your ready!!

3 days!

Beware of this, walking dead lovers, the effects can be devastating (hehe)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJcoMiZMxCQ
3 days to go... 3 days.... 3 days....  YIPPEE!!!

About me and stuff

I've been doing the blogging thing for a little while now, I'm enjoying it :D Even if no one ever reads it I think it's all worth having something to have a good old moan and groan on like Facebook and stuff.. 

I like Facebook but I think REAL life friends are better, the ones you can hug and you know they're happy when they give you a real smiley face and not a wee pixelated one. I like having real friends, I do have them but hardly ever see them but really don't give them enough recognition for what they've done for me. I'm the kind of person who will be there for a friend no matter what time of day weather it's the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. If they need me for anything I'm a phone call away and I'll help in any way I can..

It's not in my nature to be a bitch although like every one else I have my moments, I'm not horrible to people for no reason even if I don't like them.. And if I don't like them and also don't talk to them it's for a good reason! I'm that kind of friend who won't bullshit anyone but tell them the truth in the nicest possible way, if I think they're being an arse I'll tell em lol.. Sometimes people need that friend who will verbally bitch slap them into reality without being a major dick about it. I have that friend and in some cases I am that friend :) 

I really am thankful for the good friends I have, they've been there for me through thick and thin and I've done the same for them :) 

I guess I'm the kind of person who will help someone who asks for it but be the one to notice when something's not right. Like when a friend isn't happy I'll be the one to ask and let them talk and do my best to fix the problem or even just make them a cup of tea if it will make them feel better. I would send a message to someone I don't know very well who I know isn't feeling well or something and give them a message letting them know I hope they're okay hoping I might brighten their day even just a little bit :)

And a hug or two never goes amiss these days!
I love hugs :) Even the half arsed one armed hugs are still awesome!! The best thing about hugs is they're free, no calories or fat or bad for you stuff, just beautiful squishy love :) Love is the best!!! Even though people don't always show it we all know it's there :)

My sister and I fight like cat and dog but we still love eachother (I think).. But the best love I've experienced in my lifetime is the love from my daughter. I don't even think words could describe how this feels.. From the second I knew I was pregnant I wanted to meet her, loved her from the second that second pink line appeared! 

Then as I got bigger I wanted to know more I wanted her to be in my arms so I could look at her little being and tell her to her sweet little face that I loved her more than the universe its self!!!! What I liked about pregnancy was that I grew with her in a physical and spiritual sense too ( I think ).. I remember being in the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life and then the nurses plonked this little purple creature on me.. I couldn't believe I was seeing my baby girl for the first time and her eyes met mine and that was it, I fell in love, real love for the first time in my life I felt pure love and the rest of the world disappeared and it was just me and Eva in our own little bubble with the rest of the world buzzing around outside it... I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN SHE WAS BORN!!!!

Happy tears :)

When she was born it was the first time I didn't care about what other people thought, me and my daughter were a team!! We still are :) team squishy :)

Awwwwwhhhh I love everything :)

I love her, I love my friends, I love my family aaaaand I love you :) <3

Norman Redus

I can't help myself... Like I said thanks to my beloved sister :) I'm going rather nuts for this guy, not in the "grr I'm a stalker" kinda way but in the day dreaming "I LOVE YOU" kinda way.....

How can you not go bonkers? With THOSE eyes!!?? All it would take would be for him to look at me in that ^^^^^^ sort of way and that would be it, my ovaries would be a pile of fire and debris in my abdomen... Graphic, I know but FFS!!! 

UGH!! Y U SO SEXY?

I'm in love... I'd love to just ever so softly brush my hand over his face... And hold eye contact for as long as possible without falling into that state of drooling frickin idiot!!!! That's more than likely what would happen if by some kind of frickin miracle I got to meet him... I'd either cry or be foaming at the mouth and humping his ffrickin' leg and looking like a right wee freak!! 

I'm sure he's seen it all...

Meehhhh.... A girl can dream :) at the risk of her reproductive organs blowing up.. (Not good for relationships I might add)

Okay. I. Dare. You.... To watch this and not drool, hyperventilate or feel a lump in your throat or a twinge in your ovaries.... I DARE YOU!!!!

I need a cigarette now haha <3

Fan letter to Norman Reedus ( may contain cringey girly wimpyness :) )

This is my fan letter to Norman Reedus..

Thanks to my beloved sister, I am in LOVE with this guy... Cheers sis :P

It's on Twitter.. It's on Facebook.. In the hope that he'll see it *dreamy eyes*

He's lovely :)

https://twitter.com/UCanCallMeMeg 

That's my twitter ^^^^ 

I'm kind of a loner haha

Fever. Dream

Weird dreams aren't really unusual for me, I have pretty weird dreams anyway. Weirdest dreams that everyone gets I suppose are the ones where you think you're awake when you're really dreaming. The most vivid ones I have are the ones mainly about vampires and bad things happening outside and then no one listens to what I'm saying. When the others in my dreams shrug off the fact there's a nuke been set off and the blast will take the next three hours to get to us and I'm screaming my head off trying to get the attention of my fellow dream people and the response I get is "Take a load of pain killers and drink a load of alcohol, it will dull the pain when the blast reaches us".

Then I wake up in a cold sweat and panic.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if good and bad dreams became a reality, if people would go mad when they see their wildest and most fantastic dreams coming true. Then the nightmares creep in.

What if one day the pair of hands come out the drain to grab your ankles and pull you down to your dark, watery death? And the scary noise reveals it's source? What if one day the creak on the stairs makes it to the top and finds its way into your bedroom? Will it still be the day when you still have that power of control? When you can still shrink the scary faces and turn them into something silly? When you can turn the snakes into sausages and the ghosts back into bed sheets?

Who knows?

Lets just be thankful it's all in our heads.

Fever dream about cats. Weird cats that talk and tell you what your conscience is moaning about from today's events. Conscience appears in the form of a cat, telling me I should be more assertive, impulsive but a little bit less sensitive. Frustration sets in with the snooty tone of Cat conscience. Boot it across dream land. It pops up somewhere else; on a rock that has magically appeared in front of me.

"Lets not forget that temper, it will get you nowhere!" The little bastard chants.

I attempt to kick it again, but my foot doesn't want to swing. Adding to the frustration I am suddenly in a strait jacket, hugging myself uncomfortably the cat brushes its self against my somehow bare legs and curls it's tail softly around my ankle. 

It's fur.. Is strange. 

Not like a cat. More like a snake. Do I dare look?

I hesitate to cast my eyes down, but can't fight the urge to look, despite the uncertainty of what I might see. Images of fangs, dripping with venom fill my brain sending shivers down my spine. 

Still a cat. A very strange cat. 

 "You're paranoid, aren't you?" The soft voice whispers, now I feel the soft pressure of the tiny paws on my shoulder. "You're too afraid to let your imagination run wild because you might not like what you see. You might not like what's really inside your head. Who, or what you really are. The imagination is a wonderful, powerful thing, in many more good ways than bad."

The conscience cat explodes into a pile of black fibres. The pile lies in front of me, still for just a second then shifts a little. A little more. It's as if the pile is breathing. I see it rising off the ground, moulding its self into the shape of something. A hand! The black hand hover's in front of my face for a few seconds, I wonder what it's going to do; strangle me, slap me, shove its self back my throat and choke me? Gouge out my eyes?

No. Instead the hand cups its self around my left cheek and gently caresses my face. Almost has the touch of a gentle lover.

Soft.

Like a cat.

Stuff I like!

I like parties! Although I'm a parent and don't get very many chances to party, when the time comes I know how to make the best of it and that once in a blue moon I LOVE letting out my inner beast!! 

I like to dress up, I'll admit, I love it and zombie is my new favourite costume... Might sound weird but I kinda liked being all drippy with fake blood with mangled special FX make up to mess up my face so I'm awesome and scary!!

Another thing I like is Amazon!! It's where I get all me costumes ;)

This is me Halloween just passed. Off my face and my face is coming off!! 

Such a fun night!

Ach well, there's a whole lifetime for parties and I think if I had them on a regular basis, they'd get boring. Wellp, Yet again, ahm offski's :) 

Facebook

Everyone has Facebook these days, it's crazy how the world revolves around Facebook. Diary's were supposed to be for documenting your every thought but diary's ain't cool now eh? Facebook's cool, sharing your private life is cool. Being open about what you  had for breakfast is awesome!!!

I have Facebook :) but I didn't have breakfast :(

I like Facebook, like everything it has its good points and it has its bad points but these days it seems to be more bad than good. Like, God knows how many people have killed/harmed themselves because of something that was said over facebook, it's evil, I think. And these websites where you can tell someone what you think of them anonymously is actually quite sickening from my point of view, I'll admit I've been on some of them, not said anything horrible to anyone but waited to see what would happen if I let people post anonymously and I got people declaring their undying love for me and I got people twisting personal things I had told them in confidence. That account got deleted. I then knew someone in my friends list had an axe to grind with me. Didn't care too much because it was anonymous and it was 1 comment. Then there's people who get hundreds of nasty comments and enjoy it... That makes me think attention seeker... Then how can you tell the difference between people who really are being bullied and people who are attention seeking little shits?

Can't tell these days, eh?

I don't have a very big friends list, but even then you see some characters, some you love, some you hate but have on your list because they're entertaining. You've got the moaners who do nothing but complain, the ragers who do nothing but swear and say they're gonna burst this/that person, the big headed very opinionated people who talk about themselves and how they're better than this or that person, the average Joe's, the famous like-whore Facebookers who post something like "Chuck Norris" and get a billion likes on every photo and the people who are so happy it's annoying and you want to slap them.

Facebook has it's good things too though, like fan pages and pages that post pretty pictures of the world and pretty pictures of people and the ones that share quotes and facts and some that give advice to mums, support groups for single/young mothers and people who have suffered miscarriages and all sorts of good groups for people that can share the same experiences and stuff like buying and selling groups. It's great for things like that :) and facebook games are fun too. For a certain amount of time before you get a butt ton of games requests and stop playing because people are nagging you for requests...

I'd say my facebook was the average Joe, nothing exciting :P I have my moments, though xD

Here be the link to my facebook if anyone would like to know more about me :)

Well, I'm offski's again, I've said all I want to say lol... Cheery bye ^_^

Zombies?

Sitting here watching The Walking Dead (repeats) and thinking - a dangerous pass-time - about what the hell people would actually do if the world was in this situation by tomorrow. 

 I know for a fact I would not last 10 seconds in a real zombie apocalypse, I'd suck and be one of them within 10 seconds of being out the door. I maybe underestimate myself in a lot of ways, I'm pretty good with a frying pan in the kitchen, maybe I'd be good with whacking some fevered, hungry head off the shoulders of a scary zombie dude with my trusty frying pan... But then again, maybe not, I'd probably more likely be hiding behind the likes of my sister who, just in case anyone's interested, has a chainsaw! 

 If a zombie apocalypse or any kind of apocalypse for that matter were to hit, it wouldn't wait until anyone was ready, but if mother nature or God or whatever force that decides when we're all fucked was considerate enough to wait until my daughter was at least 16 we could be bad ass team frying pan.... My daughter's 1... She could try her hand at a shot with a machine gun and I bet she'd kick ass at it, I'd hide behind her! Bad ass little 1 year old xD

 Still, though, if anything like what happens in The Walking Dead were to happen, in the next few years, I can imagine some people would have a ball and other people would be boarded up in their houses and be well prepared for something like that happening, being stocked up on everything like food and water from years of preparation brought on by paranoia. I can see myself doing this, only problem being I don't have a big enough fridge.....

Even just thinking about shit like this is giving me the shivers... I'll admit, the thought of this happening scares the shit out of me! Buuuuuuut zombies on the tv don't phase me in the slightest because, well, they're no real. If they were, I'd crap it and find someone who knows how to drive and make a break for it with my kid and my family safe and find somewhere safe and find someone like Daryl Dixon... He has a pretty crossbow.... And a pretty face...... *Orgasms*

Aaaaaaanyway, thoughts for the day = blogged. Bed = calling me!

Cheery-o  

My love for Ylvis :o

Here we go

So, yah... I have never written a blog before.. We can start with that. I'm not very sure what bloggers write about if it's just anything and everything from random stuff to personal interests or if it's a place where one can blab a load of bull crap and be like YAY random stuuuuff!!

I could start this thing by saying I am far too hot. Temperature wise, I might add! I have been listening to the 10 hour long version of "What does the fox say" for almost an hour and a half, my brain is numb and filled up full to the BRIM with the annoying, yet catchy assumption of what noises the fox makes. I LOVE IT.

For those of you who wish to be numbed by the annoying brilliance of what the fox says, CLICK HERE!!!!

There's other videos that people can look at for a laugh like The Cabin which is one of my favourites along with Stonehenge. Both brilliant videos, they make me laugh anyways!

I'm offski for now, have a nice day ^_^