Touchy subject

Life after miscarriage.

In a relationship with a guy for about 6 months, I had not long turned 17 and tragically had a miscarriage. I tried not to think about it to start with and then my brain took over and started the grieving process without me. I wasn't aware of what was happening to my body, as soon as I started bleeding I knew something wasn't right. I woke up in the middle of the night in the most horrific pain I had ever felt, I could hardly walk.. In the morning I found the "little being".. I knew straight away what it was and didn't know what the hell to do. For some reason I apologized. I was shaking holding this little empty shell in the palm of my hand. Not properly formed, tiny. I felt like a monster for throwing the tiny thing in the bin. Then I forgot about it. Didn't want to think about it. But your brain has ways of making you think about things..

I couldn't put my finger on how to feel, what to feel, or if at that moment I even had anything to feel bad for. I was in shock. 

I spoke to my partner a week later, I asked him if he thought that the chaos of that night could have been a miscarriage, he said we shouldn't think about it.

How could I not?

The image of the little half formed being in my hand haunted me for months. I had no one to talk to who understood. No one who wanted to talk about it. I tried as hard as I could to be normal, to sweep the whole matter under the rug. Didn't happen. All that was running through my brain was the word WHY. Why me? Why now? Why my baby?

People started talking behind my back, saying those 3 horrible words that no one who's grieving wants to hear - GET OVER IT.

I couldn't, I wanted answers, I wanted my partner to understand how I felt or even try to make me feel better in some way. It felt like he didn't care. His excuse was "I'm a guy, I don't show my feelings." I was later told by some friends that if I hadn't lost the baby he would have abandoned me or got a house from the council because I was pregnant. Pff. He didn't care. People telling me that there probably wasn't a baby there, and straight away I told them no, there was.. But I couldn't tell them what I saw, the words didn't want to come out because tears took their place.

I tried to go to a councillor to get some support from someone who understood. They asked me to give the little being a name, write a letter and try to paint a picture or draw a picture of what I thought the little being would look like. Everything they asked me to do was torture with a capital T.

I gave it a name, I decided to call him Joshua. Then wrote a letter. I couldn't see the paper because my eyes were so full of tears!! And when I got round to painting a picture, it looked like the Chucky doll. Safe to say, I threw that painting out!!

I couldn't even talk to the councillor about what I saw. I could tell her my symptoms, that was it. I couldn't tell her what I saw because I only cried. Uncontrollably. 

After about six months I felt like I was going mad.. I was still in college at the time, my mind was  distracted for a little while until I got home. As soon as I got home I started to feel ill. My face and hands were tingly and there was always shooting pain in my right arm, pain in my chest and my vision and hearing were all distorted. I thought I was dying. All these symptoms accompanied by horrific nightmares all involving wading through blood and feeling pain. It wasn't nice. I thought I was dying and had no one to talk to at all. I gave up the counselling because I cried and couldn't talk about anything properly and was getting very frustrated with myself. Every night the nightmares would come and I would wake up feeling like I wasn't able to breath or feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I remember thinking to myself. "If you're going to kill me, God, Just do it!"

I asked my partner about having another baby, not to replace the one we lost but to give me the chance to be the mother I didn't get to be. Just to give me the chance to get to full term and take on the responsibility and give a different little being the love I couldn't fully give to the first. He was unsure.. But then he started teasing me with the idea. One minute he would want a baby as much as I did then he wouldn't want one at all. This went on for a few months and I knew he was doing it on purpose.. To keep me unhappy.. So I decided to test him.. To find out for myself if he was messing with me, even though deep down I knew but was too naieve to think he would do that. So I phoned him up and said "You're right, we couldn't handle a baby right now."

The week after.. "LET'S HAVE A BABY!!" He said....

I snapped. Yelled at him to stop torturing me with the idea of a baby, either stick to his word, give me a baby and make me happy like you're supposed to do or keep going the way you are and keep me miserable. Your call. 

He gave in.

3 weeks of trying.

ONE PINK LINE..... TWO PINK LINES!! Yippeeeee!!!

I was as happy as a fat kid with cake. Him? He wanted to get out of my house as quick as possible. 

Things went downhill with the partner. He didn't want to grow up with me, he was more interested in his computer and friends. I broke up with him when I was 14 weeks gone because I hadn't seen or heard from him in weeks. I'd had enough of him sulking when I did speak to him or when he did eventually answer. He made excuses not to come and see me and take care of me like he was supposed to. Didn't hear from him until after my daughter was born. She's one and a half now!

I still think about Joshua, 3 years on and I have never forgotten but since I had Eva a lot of my questions have been answered and I know I'm not the only woman who has ever suffered this. I can think about him now and not be sad because little souls like his go straight to heaven, no sins, no bad things and they're being looked after by the souls we lost and love. I understand now and I know that sometimes - Even if it's not what you want to hear - sometimes it's not meant to be and sometimes tragedies happen for no good reason, sometimes it's just bad timing. I think the big guy in the clouds needed Joshua more than I did. Even though it sucks, even though you might never know what caused the horrible event to happen, it will get better and it will make you stronger and it won't kill you. You might be sad and you might be asking yourself all the questions under the sun but all your questions will be answered as time goes on, but the one thing you have to remember, no matter how hard it is IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT and you're not alone, ever. The little soul loves you with all its heart and you'll meet again one day, but not before your ready!!