Valentines day for Oh

*I love the movie Home, it's so heart warming and adorable! I had to get this off my chest, the movie gave me so many ideas and It was honestly just cuteness overload and I've watched the movie a billion and one times and it just never gets old! PLEASE EXCUSE THE MEGA CHEESINESS!*

“Today is the day of the Valentine’s! The day when humans persons shows their feelings through gifts and prettyful cards! I am on a mission! A mission in the searching for the perfect gift in a demonstration of my affections for my bestest friend!”

The happy little purple creature called Oh plodded along the long street, scanning the windows of near by stores in search of the perfect gift for Tip. Oh searched for what seemed like hours until came across a flower shop, surrounded by stalls of beautiful smelling and very colourful flowers. He waddled over to have a closer look and sniff! As Oh got closer to the flowers, the smell got stronger. He looked around, checking no one was looking. He took a deep breath in, the sweet scent filling his nose. Oh turned a light pink as he thought of Tip and My Mom and wondered if the pretty flowers taste as good as they smell.

“Something that smells this nice has to taste nice. Maybe Tip would likes these!” Oh grinned. “Tasting test first” He giggled, excited by the thought of Tip’s reaction when she sees the flowers. Oh plucked the biggest and most colourful bunch of flowers from the stall, sniffed deeply, opened his mouth wide preparing for the taste test….

“BLEH! NOT FOR EATINGS!” Oh exclaimed in disgust, running away from the revolting but pretty smelling flowers. He spent a few minutes trying to get the taste off his tongue, petals of all colours floating to the ground as he frantically whacked them off his tongue and face. A tiny wave of disappointment washed over him. He soon realised that there were better tasting things than flowers to give as a gift.

“Hmm, it seems looks and smells can be deceiving!” Oh chuckled to himself. “Not to worry, I will finds the perfect gift for Tip!” He said cheerfully, continuing on his way.

Oh searched every store he could to find something Tip would love. It was getting a little bit late and some of the stores were beginning to close. He was beginning to feel worried when something caught his eye and stopped him in his tracks. In a small store, with its green paint peeling from the wooden window frame, a small blue heart pendant on a thin silver chain shone in the almost setting sun. Oh darted to the window, his purple, grinning face pressed hard up against the glass, pink stripes rippling over it now and again.

“This is perfect! It’s so prettyful for Tip!” Whooped the little purple Boov. He was so excited he ran straight into the closed door of the store. He fell backwards and bounced back on to his feet. “Ow pain!” He said, still grinning. He then carefully opened the door and rushed inside and bought the pretty pendant for Tip, that was wrapped and carefully placed in a paper bag covered in small spots of muted colours.

“Thanking you!” Oh yelled joyfully to the humans person behind the till as he bounced and waved out of excitement and scampered from the store, again not looking where he was going and smacked into the closed door. “Ow pain!” He said, deciding to lay there for a few seconds holding the small colourful bag close to his little boov heart, thoughts of his best friend racing through his mind, turning bright pink as he thought about how important Tip is to him, a big smile spreading a cross his, now pink, face.

Oh soon arrived back home, where Tip was sitting with her mum talking about their day. He approached her overflowing with joy and excitement.

“Tip!” Oh said holding out the small multicoloured paper bag in his small purple hand.

Tip turned towards him, a big smile spreading across her face, happy to see her best friend. “Hey, Oh. Where have you been?” She said.

“I has been looking for a gift for you” Oh grinned, gesturing to his outstretched arm, eagre for her to open it. “And it was not easiness! I searched until almost everywhere was at it’s closing and then I found this!” He smiled, he wanted to see her big green eyes light up. “Happy day of the Valentines to you, I hope you likes it”.

Tip took the small package, smiling shyly “You didn’t have to, Oh”. She pulled away the paper, revealing the small, blue stone, the chain falling between her fingers. Oh bounced a little with excitement as he saw Tip’s expression change. A small smile appeared on her  face,  she looked over at her little purple Boov, her eyes had lit up and they seemed to be a brighter green than usual.

“it’s beautiful, Oh, thank you! I love it!” She smiled, and wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. The little Boov was so happy Tip liked the gift he got for her, the grin that spread across his face hadn’t gone away since he found the beautiful pendant.

“I got you something too” Tip said excited. She disappeared for a second to get her back pack. She unzipped it pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it to Oh. It was a card. A Valentine’s card that Tip had made herself with a hand drawn picture of Oh and herself and a little love heart painted carefully with red glitter. Oh realised that Tip had put a lot of effort into making this, just as he had made a lot of effort trying to find something for her. He loved it, and glanced up at his smiling friend. “Open it” Tip whispered.

When Oh opened the card he read:

To Oh,

My best friend in the whole world, we’ve had so many great adventures together.

You helped me learn the true meaning of friendship.

Thank you for all the awesome memories!

Lets make more!

All my love,

Tip xxxxxxxx

“Thanking you, Tip” Oh smiled. The little Boov’s heart pounded in his chest. He bounced and gave Tip the biggest hug he had ever given. Oh liked hugs from Tip, he couldn’t help but turn bright pink again, he had everything he needed in this new world, his best friend and a place to call home.

Anorexia

Food! Everyone needs it to live, and as human beings, we love it! We all have our guidelines, our favourites and our least favourites. Food can be your best friend. What goes on inside someone's head when the fork load of vitality is their worst enemy? When the thought of gaining weight is the most terrifying thing? When the mouthful of food has been demonised by the authority figure, the monster that is inside their head? The monster that is... Anorexia.

Eating disorders affect 1.6 million people in the UK according to the estimation provided by B-eat, a UK wide eating disorder help and support network. There are four types of eating disorders, Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge eating disorder and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). People with EDNOS are people who do not meet the criteria for anorexia or bulimia but show characteristics of one or more of the 3 main disorders. People between the ages of 15 and 30 will be affected by an eating disorder, 25% of these cases are male adolescents, although the condition is more common in women and girls, it can also occur in boys and men.

Eating disorders are a very sensitive and very personal topic, a very painful experience for the victim.

Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by obsessive calorie counting, weight loss through purging, starving or use of laxatives or appetite suppressants and an extreme fear of gaining weight. It is seen as an attempt to have control over something in life when other elements of life seem uncontrollable, often linked to anxiety, depression, body dysmorphic disorder, obsession compulsion and perfectionism. It is more common in women but men are also being affected by it. Anorexia is becoming increasingly common in industrialised countries where cultural ideas play a significant role in encouraging women to be thin.

From some perceptions it is seen as a coping mechanism for deeper emotional problems. Distorted body image is a common factor in eating disorders, people with eating disorders commonly have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). BDD is not like just having a fat day, it is in fact much more serious than that. It is an anxiety disorder that causes people to have a distorted image of themselves, more commonly the face, but they may see other parts of their body as distorted and try to conceal their perceived imperfection, causing them to worry about their appearance and compare theirs to others constantly.

Puberty seems to play a big role in the way people feel about their bodies. When bodies are changing physically and hormonally, it brings a multitude of confusing, new emotions to the surface and when you are young and easily influenced, young girls seeing skinny, glamorous, successful women in magazines and television programs and think the way they look is the key to success.

From my own experience, emotional problems with weight are extremely hard to deal with when all around you are adverts about eating healthy and men eating crisps and bloating until the buttons pop off their shirts.

As a youngster I was always sensitive about my weight and the way I looked. In primary school I was always jealous of the other girls that were thin and pretty, always asking my mum and grandparents for reassurance when I felt sad and cried about thinking I was fat. Nothing could reassure me. I remember one day in primary 7, coming out of P.E and a boy walking behind me commented on the size of my bum! He said it looked like I had 4 bums and since that day I weighed myself and tried to diet. In high school, I never joined in P.E because I was so sensitive about my weight and was teased by other girls about my weight, I was 14 years old and weighed 10 stone and was a size 14. Healthy and in proportion for my age and height. The mirror told me different. Every time I saw myself in front of the mirror, clothed or not I saw folds upon folds of fat hanging over my clothing. Truly disgusted with the sight of myself, I cried and cried and exercised in secret until my whole body hurt.

At age 16, size 10, I started going to college, those were the years when I really could control my weight. At college we weren't monitored at lunch times like we were at school, I ate very little or nothing at all to try and lose my “excess weight” only drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes with the occasional sandwich here and there. Food haunted my every thought and my whole life was based around when I was next going to eat. When I did eat, I felt disgusting afterwards, like I could feel my stomach expanding and folding over my trousers. Hunger pangs were a sign that I was winning, every time I did exercise, and felt so hungry to the point where I was almost passing out I felt beautiful! It was never ever enough.

We know weight loss is a choice, and we do it out of our own free will but when anorexia surfaces, does the disease win because we listen to the voice in our head? 

We may look for someone or something to blame for our disorders, it is hard to break away from the taunting voice of anorexia, especially when it seems like it’s the only friend you have that keeps you in control and it can become part of an emotional attachment to the disease. Having an emotional attachment to your disorder does not make you a bad person, it becomes part of you.

THE WALKING DEAD.. Still... My thoughts :)

A post about my thoughts and feelings on the last episode of The Walking Dead.. I loved it.. I've been watching episode 12 of The Walking Dead season 4 over and over again... WOW... Can't get enough of it. Just wow.. Omg, the feels!! The past few episodes have had me bubbling with Rick and Carl being at eachother's throats and that stomach churning moment when I think we all thought Rick had turned... Niagara falls..

So I thought the last few episodes had brought on the waterworks. I knew from the post from Mr Reedus on Twitter that this episode was gonna be a good one.. Read this post:

 "Just watched next weeks episode. AMAZING!!!!!! BETH (so good!!!))"

Then this one:

"It's true! Sunday I eat her!!!. #bethsashimi http://m.mtv.com/news/article.rbml?id=1722994&alt=http%3a%2f%2fm.mtv.com%2fnews%2findex.rbml …" ..... 

Soo with the first tweet I read I was like... You big tease, stop teasing.. The second tweet I paced the kitchen floor wondering what the heck that means!! "I eat her"... WHIT?? First thought.. DARYL'S GONNA FUCKING DIE NOOOOOOO :'( and I was like this for a while...

Then I was okay, because I thought about it again.. Eating someone could mean a bunch of things; becoming a zombie and eating her, being hungry and taking a bite out of her just cause she's there and you're just soooo hungry OR (mind dragging through the gutter) there's some kinky shit going on.. 

 After a while of pacing, thinking, over thinking, not sleeping and tearing my damn hair out (exaggeration, but only a little bit, I still have my hair :D LOL)  Monday arrived and the walking dead came on at 9.. And I was like this....

Casually watching the episode and Beth and Daryl are playing a drinking game, Daryl goes on a strop... OH MY GAWD!! DARYL WHUT YE DOOIIIINNGG??!?!? He's going RAJ and having "fun" showing her how to shoot a crossbow really being a gigantic knob (at this point i'm on the edge of my seat thinking what the hell's that all about?) Then he talks about Hershel.. (I miss Hershel).... NIAGARA FALLS relocated to my livingroom...

 The part that REALLY got me was when Beth gave the smile and said "Burn it"..I think it was the music and the fire that set me off with the teeeeaarrrsss to start with but when they were showing the middle finger to the burning shack THAT did it.. The silhouette, the fire, the song.. Boom!  My tear ducts are broken! To me it was like a coming of age episode for Beth, cause it seems to me she's been the pretty, quiet teenager who was just the babysitter or the pretty bystander who never really played an important part, like in the prison in season 3 and 4 and Maggie was the centre of attention when it came to Hershel's family.. Beth's grown as a character, I think :) from pretty bystander to bad ass fire starter.. Love it!! Love her!!! 

Daryl set me off big time.. YOU DO HAVE FEELINGS!!

I love Mr Reedus's character with a hairy passion.. Thought Daryl was a dick to start with.. Lol.. But the kinda dick you could put up with.. Daryl's been my favourite from the start, the kind of character I wanted to know more about.. When I would spend time watching all of the episodes, I found myself thinking "Daryl, you really need a hug... Or laid.. Not sure which.. You need some love..." And when he FINALLY opened up to someone, I fell in love with the character eeeeven more.. He's not all bad :) He's a sexy, crossbow wielding marshmallow THAT HAS FEELINGS!! 

                                        BEST EPISODE EVER

Not to mention.. All the exploded ovaries out there.. Husbands and boyfriends all over the world should be worried, methinks.. You know, because a man on telly has more of an effect on the ladies than they do.. Ooooooooohhh... Bad luck ;) LOL

I love marshmallows... And I love Daryl... And I love the walking dead..

I wonder what Big Abe's got in store for us though.. GINGER!!

Touchy subject

Life after miscarriage.

In a relationship with a guy for about 6 months, I had not long turned 17 and tragically had a miscarriage. I tried not to think about it to start with and then my brain took over and started the grieving process without me. I wasn't aware of what was happening to my body, as soon as I started bleeding I knew something wasn't right. I woke up in the middle of the night in the most horrific pain I had ever felt, I could hardly walk.. In the morning I found the "little being".. I knew straight away what it was and didn't know what the hell to do. For some reason I apologized. I was shaking holding this little empty shell in the palm of my hand. Not properly formed, tiny. I felt like a monster for throwing the tiny thing in the bin. Then I forgot about it. Didn't want to think about it. But your brain has ways of making you think about things..

I couldn't put my finger on how to feel, what to feel, or if at that moment I even had anything to feel bad for. I was in shock. 

I spoke to my partner a week later, I asked him if he thought that the chaos of that night could have been a miscarriage, he said we shouldn't think about it.

How could I not?

The image of the little half formed being in my hand haunted me for months. I had no one to talk to who understood. No one who wanted to talk about it. I tried as hard as I could to be normal, to sweep the whole matter under the rug. Didn't happen. All that was running through my brain was the word WHY. Why me? Why now? Why my baby?

People started talking behind my back, saying those 3 horrible words that no one who's grieving wants to hear - GET OVER IT.

I couldn't, I wanted answers, I wanted my partner to understand how I felt or even try to make me feel better in some way. It felt like he didn't care. His excuse was "I'm a guy, I don't show my feelings." I was later told by some friends that if I hadn't lost the baby he would have abandoned me or got a house from the council because I was pregnant. Pff. He didn't care. People telling me that there probably wasn't a baby there, and straight away I told them no, there was.. But I couldn't tell them what I saw, the words didn't want to come out because tears took their place.

I tried to go to a councillor to get some support from someone who understood. They asked me to give the little being a name, write a letter and try to paint a picture or draw a picture of what I thought the little being would look like. Everything they asked me to do was torture with a capital T.

I gave it a name, I decided to call him Joshua. Then wrote a letter. I couldn't see the paper because my eyes were so full of tears!! And when I got round to painting a picture, it looked like the Chucky doll. Safe to say, I threw that painting out!!

I couldn't even talk to the councillor about what I saw. I could tell her my symptoms, that was it. I couldn't tell her what I saw because I only cried. Uncontrollably. 

After about six months I felt like I was going mad.. I was still in college at the time, my mind was  distracted for a little while until I got home. As soon as I got home I started to feel ill. My face and hands were tingly and there was always shooting pain in my right arm, pain in my chest and my vision and hearing were all distorted. I thought I was dying. All these symptoms accompanied by horrific nightmares all involving wading through blood and feeling pain. It wasn't nice. I thought I was dying and had no one to talk to at all. I gave up the counselling because I cried and couldn't talk about anything properly and was getting very frustrated with myself. Every night the nightmares would come and I would wake up feeling like I wasn't able to breath or feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I remember thinking to myself. "If you're going to kill me, God, Just do it!"

I asked my partner about having another baby, not to replace the one we lost but to give me the chance to be the mother I didn't get to be. Just to give me the chance to get to full term and take on the responsibility and give a different little being the love I couldn't fully give to the first. He was unsure.. But then he started teasing me with the idea. One minute he would want a baby as much as I did then he wouldn't want one at all. This went on for a few months and I knew he was doing it on purpose.. To keep me unhappy.. So I decided to test him.. To find out for myself if he was messing with me, even though deep down I knew but was too naieve to think he would do that. So I phoned him up and said "You're right, we couldn't handle a baby right now."

The week after.. "LET'S HAVE A BABY!!" He said....

I snapped. Yelled at him to stop torturing me with the idea of a baby, either stick to his word, give me a baby and make me happy like you're supposed to do or keep going the way you are and keep me miserable. Your call. 

He gave in.

3 weeks of trying.

ONE PINK LINE..... TWO PINK LINES!! Yippeeeee!!!

I was as happy as a fat kid with cake. Him? He wanted to get out of my house as quick as possible. 

Things went downhill with the partner. He didn't want to grow up with me, he was more interested in his computer and friends. I broke up with him when I was 14 weeks gone because I hadn't seen or heard from him in weeks. I'd had enough of him sulking when I did speak to him or when he did eventually answer. He made excuses not to come and see me and take care of me like he was supposed to. Didn't hear from him until after my daughter was born. She's one and a half now!

I still think about Joshua, 3 years on and I have never forgotten but since I had Eva a lot of my questions have been answered and I know I'm not the only woman who has ever suffered this. I can think about him now and not be sad because little souls like his go straight to heaven, no sins, no bad things and they're being looked after by the souls we lost and love. I understand now and I know that sometimes - Even if it's not what you want to hear - sometimes it's not meant to be and sometimes tragedies happen for no good reason, sometimes it's just bad timing. I think the big guy in the clouds needed Joshua more than I did. Even though it sucks, even though you might never know what caused the horrible event to happen, it will get better and it will make you stronger and it won't kill you. You might be sad and you might be asking yourself all the questions under the sun but all your questions will be answered as time goes on, but the one thing you have to remember, no matter how hard it is IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT and you're not alone, ever. The little soul loves you with all its heart and you'll meet again one day, but not before your ready!!

3 days!

Beware of this, walking dead lovers, the effects can be devastating (hehe)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJcoMiZMxCQ
3 days to go... 3 days.... 3 days....  YIPPEE!!!

About me and stuff

I've been doing the blogging thing for a little while now, I'm enjoying it :D Even if no one ever reads it I think it's all worth having something to have a good old moan and groan on like Facebook and stuff.. 

I like Facebook but I think REAL life friends are better, the ones you can hug and you know they're happy when they give you a real smiley face and not a wee pixelated one. I like having real friends, I do have them but hardly ever see them but really don't give them enough recognition for what they've done for me. I'm the kind of person who will be there for a friend no matter what time of day weather it's the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. If they need me for anything I'm a phone call away and I'll help in any way I can..

It's not in my nature to be a bitch although like every one else I have my moments, I'm not horrible to people for no reason even if I don't like them.. And if I don't like them and also don't talk to them it's for a good reason! I'm that kind of friend who won't bullshit anyone but tell them the truth in the nicest possible way, if I think they're being an arse I'll tell em lol.. Sometimes people need that friend who will verbally bitch slap them into reality without being a major dick about it. I have that friend and in some cases I am that friend :) 

I really am thankful for the good friends I have, they've been there for me through thick and thin and I've done the same for them :) 

I guess I'm the kind of person who will help someone who asks for it but be the one to notice when something's not right. Like when a friend isn't happy I'll be the one to ask and let them talk and do my best to fix the problem or even just make them a cup of tea if it will make them feel better. I would send a message to someone I don't know very well who I know isn't feeling well or something and give them a message letting them know I hope they're okay hoping I might brighten their day even just a little bit :)

And a hug or two never goes amiss these days!
I love hugs :) Even the half arsed one armed hugs are still awesome!! The best thing about hugs is they're free, no calories or fat or bad for you stuff, just beautiful squishy love :) Love is the best!!! Even though people don't always show it we all know it's there :)

My sister and I fight like cat and dog but we still love eachother (I think).. But the best love I've experienced in my lifetime is the love from my daughter. I don't even think words could describe how this feels.. From the second I knew I was pregnant I wanted to meet her, loved her from the second that second pink line appeared! 

Then as I got bigger I wanted to know more I wanted her to be in my arms so I could look at her little being and tell her to her sweet little face that I loved her more than the universe its self!!!! What I liked about pregnancy was that I grew with her in a physical and spiritual sense too ( I think ).. I remember being in the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life and then the nurses plonked this little purple creature on me.. I couldn't believe I was seeing my baby girl for the first time and her eyes met mine and that was it, I fell in love, real love for the first time in my life I felt pure love and the rest of the world disappeared and it was just me and Eva in our own little bubble with the rest of the world buzzing around outside it... I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN SHE WAS BORN!!!!

Happy tears :)

When she was born it was the first time I didn't care about what other people thought, me and my daughter were a team!! We still are :) team squishy :)

Awwwwwhhhh I love everything :)

I love her, I love my friends, I love my family aaaaand I love you :) <3

Norman Redus

I can't help myself... Like I said thanks to my beloved sister :) I'm going rather nuts for this guy, not in the "grr I'm a stalker" kinda way but in the day dreaming "I LOVE YOU" kinda way.....

How can you not go bonkers? With THOSE eyes!!?? All it would take would be for him to look at me in that ^^^^^^ sort of way and that would be it, my ovaries would be a pile of fire and debris in my abdomen... Graphic, I know but FFS!!! 

UGH!! Y U SO SEXY?

I'm in love... I'd love to just ever so softly brush my hand over his face... And hold eye contact for as long as possible without falling into that state of drooling frickin idiot!!!! That's more than likely what would happen if by some kind of frickin miracle I got to meet him... I'd either cry or be foaming at the mouth and humping his ffrickin' leg and looking like a right wee freak!! 

I'm sure he's seen it all...

Meehhhh.... A girl can dream :) at the risk of her reproductive organs blowing up.. (Not good for relationships I might add)